A woman recently sent me a question; ‘Am I allowed to say NO to sex in marriage?’
In my experience in counseling, I have seen this question arise in various forms.
‘ Am I obligated to always give my partner sex?”What if I do not feel like it?’
‘Are there times when I am allowed to say NO?’
It is important to take counsel from the one who instituted intimacy. God created intimacy to be enjoyed in marriage, to bond partners together in the context of marriage.
Many times, the Scripture in contention for this context is 1 Corinthians 7:3-4
“[3] The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. [4] The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ”1 Corinthians 7:3-4 NIV
God’s desire is that both spouses yield their bodies to each other to enjoy intimacy. This scripture speaks to a mutual enjoyment of intimacy and should not be abused by any partner to make demands.
So what happens when one partner does not feel like having sexual intimacy?
First, it is important to understand the word ‘yield’ is intentionally used in this scripture. It refers to an intentional and deliberate action. You do not have to wait till you are overwhelmed with emotions; it is a delightful duty to your spouse.
Many times for various reasons like physical exhaustion, mental overload etc, emotions and hormones can fluctuate. In those seasons, it is important to yield so that you move from devotion of your body to delight.
Broadly speaking, there are many reasons why a spouse may not have the urge to pursue sexual intimacy at a particular time. Ranging from grief to mental exhaustion, stress, hormonal disorders, medical conditions, arrival of a new baby, the list goes on and on.
Each of these cases is peculiar. It is therefore important that both parties address the matter from a place of love and in oneness.
The other party either husband or wife should in love probe to know the cause for their spouse’s withdrawal or apathy for sexual intimacy.
Be intentional.
Ask questions.
Do not just make demands. Try to understand your partner. This in itself will strengthen the bond and foster intimacy.
The partner who does not feel like it, on the other hand, should be willing to get over every obstacle and get back to enjoying sexual intimacy.
If the cause is a medical condition, seek Imedical care.
If it is grief, discuss with your partner and seek therapy as needed.
If it is the weight of the arrival of a newborn, get help.
Remember, sexual abstinence in marriage should only be for a while with the consent of both parties.
“[5] Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. ”
1 Corinthians 7:5 KJV
Staying off sexual intimacy for a longer time than both parties will consent to is an open door to the enemy.
