Conflict is not a bad thing; I mention this a lot in my counseling sessions. Conflict is a tool that God or the devil can use. Some positives can come out of it, but the bad management of conflict becomes the problem. God can use conflict to bring greater understanding to your relationships, and closeness to each other. The devil can also use that small issue to cause a misunderstanding, and then he begins to whisper in your ears so that you feel like your spouse is the enemy. Satan could use the conflict to cause distance and silence between a man and his wife.
And the question I would like to ask you is this: “Who do you want to partner with?” Who will you allow to make use of your conflict? Is it God or the devil?
And I am also praying that we all come to that knowledge and understand that the real enemy of our marriage is the devil. He is called the father of lies, and his job description is to steal your joy, kill your love, and destroy the purpose of your union.
4 Questions to ask when there is a conflict
If I am to allow God to use my conflict, there are certain questions I need to ask myself concerning my spouse;
- What doesn’t he/she like?
- What made him/her upset in this matter?
- Aside from the surface causes, what are the root causes of this conflict?
- Can we handle these problems now or do we need to breathe and talk about it later when emotions are calm?
Watch Your Words
When there is conflict, we are meant to talk. But we are meant to talk and listen to each other so that the problem can be solved. In conflict management, we attack the problem, not the person. I have seen in several conflict situations where people say, “You are a bad person,” which shouldn’t be so. Instead, it should be a statement, “This decision you took has left me in a place that made me feel this way.”
Make sure that you are detaching from it in a way that makes your spouse see the real problems and not himself or herself as the problem. When they understand that they are not the problem, they might be encouraged to understand what you are saying.
Use I a lot, not You
For example, compare “I feel alone and unattended whenever you go to work and not at home” to “You don’t even care about me, you come home anytime you want; you stay at work till whenever you want.” Use ‘I’ to express how you feel and to state what you want, so that they can understand and see from your point of view.
What you must not do during a conflict
- Avoid name-calling
- Avoid being physical
- And never say things like, ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘I wish I had never met you.’
In conclusion, what I have been trying to tell you is that; there is a how, a when, and a where to handle conflicts. Remember at the end that you must find an honourable solution to the conflict. Hug, kiss, and ensure that you get a warm smile.
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